The Talk
by NLaddict
Summary: Albus Dumbledore had faced many a difficult challenge in his lifetime...


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Albus Dumbledore had faced many a difficult challenge in his lifetime. Gellert Grindelwald… the Aberforth goat scandal… discovering 12 uses for dragon blood… speaking to a mad Molly Weasley… The thought of the last challenge made Dumbledore shiver involuntarily with fright. The challenge that was to take place tomorrow didn't necessarily frighten Dumbledore. No. It just made him a bit… hesitant. He worried that the older male population of the students wouldn't take _this_ type of lesson seriously coming from the old headmaster. So he cautiously went to the youngest male member of the faculty for help. Severus Snape had reluctantly agreed to assist him, not that the knowledge that Snape "helping" him to teach this particular subject took any of the worry from Dumbledore. The longer he thought about it, the more he questioned his decision to ask Severus.

Severus Snape was not happy in the least bit. Actually, saying he was not happy was an understatement. Snape was livid. Livid that that crazy old bat Dumbledore would disturb his sanctuary and ask such a favor of him. Albus Dumbledore wanted him to help teach the dimwitted 5th-7th year boys Sex Education. The though of having to discuss such a topic with those hormonally crazed idiots made Snape glare to himself. The nerve of Dumbledore. The. Nerve. Snape was in such a mood that he didn't realize that the door to his office was being knocked on until the visitor poked his blonde head in. Severus's mood lightened at the sight of Draco Malfoy.

"Is it true?" said Draco, shutting the door. "Sex Ed."

"How did you know about that?" Snape asked. Dumbledore had mentioned that none of the students knew of the topic for tomorrows discussion.

"I have my ways." Draco said, taking the seat across form Snape. "So you and Dumbledore are to … um… talk to us about… that?" The boy looked uneasy.

"Yes." said Snape, mildly amused at Draco's discomfort. "Apparently the Ministry insists upon it."

"So, we have to like, ask you questions about… stuff." said Draco, whose face was now beat red.

"You may ask appropriate questions, yes." said Snape, starting to feel a bit uncomfortable himself. He hadn't thought about the question and answer part of the discussion. The two men fell into an awkward silence.

"Well, I think it's just about dinner time." said Snape, standing quickly.

"Oh yes, of course, dinner." said Draco, hurrying out of the office.

Next Day

Dumbledore look out to the sea of young men sitting in the Great Hall chatting amongst themselves. For a moment he felt very nervous.

"_Why can't Minerva do this?" he thought to himself._

"_Because she's having the same discussion with the young ladies out in the courtyard." said his thoughts back to him._

"_Maybe it won't be so bad." he thought again. _

"_Or it will be a disaster." _

"_I'm sure they'll all be mature about it."_

"_I'm sure they'll laugh at you."_

"_Now that's not very reasur-"_

Dumbledore was brought out of his thoughts with a sharp nudge from Snape, who was glaring at him. Dumbledore looked toward the boys as if noticing them for the first time. It was obvious from the expressions they wore that Snape had introduced the topic to them while he was having his internal conflict.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen!" he said in an overly cheerful voice. "Lovely day, isn't it!"

The boys remained silent. Dumbledore look towards Snape, who was looking at him as if he was crazy.

"Um." said Dumbledore. "Sex, is um… Why don't you start Severus."

Anger flashed across Snape's face. Dumbledore flinched a little.

"Or I could." Dumbledore said quickly.

Dumbledore heard a few of the boys snicker. He reached for the folder of information Madam Pince had so kindly assembled for him in preparation for today. He opened the folder to see some very graphic diagrams of the female anatomy. He instantly wondered what happened to the male anatomy diagrams that were in it when he placed it on the table that morning. He quickly shoved the pictures back into the folder and shut it rather forcefully. Snape gave Dumbledore a skeptical look and casually took the folder from him. After quickly glancing inside, Snape too quickly shut the contents away.

"Perhaps a discussion is unnecessary." he said. "As I'm positive you all know how sex works so lets just skip to the questions."

"Great idea, Severus." said Dumbledore cheerily. "Any questions?"

The boys just sat their staring at anything but the Professors.

"Any questions." said Dumbledore looking at his watch. They had two more hours to go. "About anything?"

"Well since nobody will ask any questions…" said Snape, noticing with glee the embarrassment of his student. "I'll have to assign an essay for you all to do."

"THEN I HAVE A QUESTION!" shouted Seamus Finnigan, receiving a few laughs from around him.

"Yes, Finnigan?" said Snape.

"How do you tell a girl you won't date her cause she's ugly?" said Seamus.

"Mr. Finnigan." said Dumbledore sternly. "5 points from Gryffindor."

"Next." said Snape. "Anyone?"

Snape sneered when he saw Harry Potter raise his hand.

"What, Potter?" he snapped.

"I was wondering, sir." said Harry casually. "What do you think is the appropriate age to begin participating in sexual activity?"

Snape looked at Harry stunned. The boy had asked a legitimately intelligent question. That must be the Lily in him. Snape was suddenly aware that everyone was expecting him to answer.

"How about I answer that, Severus." said Dumbledore, kindly.

"Go right ahead." said Snape, relieved.

"That is a very good question, Mr. Potter." said Dumbledore. "Unfortunately, one that does not have an answer. Sexual activity is a personal choice. One that an individual has to make on their own. In my opinion though, you should be sincerely committed to each other and be ready to face any consequences of your actions."

To everyone's surprise, Vincent Crabbe raised his hand. The boy barely said a word in the whole 6 years he'd been at the school.

"Yes, Mr. Crabbe." said Dumbledore.

"Like what?" the boy half grunted.

"You need to exaggerate more, Crabbe." said Snape, bored.

"What sort of consequences are there to having sex?" the boy replied. " I thought it was just supposed to feel good."

"For starters, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases." said Snape, swiftly.

As the questioning went on, the boys seemed to be losing their shyness when asking questions, much to the pleasure of Dumbledore, because it made it a little less awkward for him to answer them. Dumbledore and Snape decided to alternate answering the questions. Seamus Finnigan raised his hand again and Dumbledore looked at him skeptically.

"No really, it's a serious question." said Seamus.

"Go ahead." said Dumbledore.

"Can my girlfriend or I get an STD if we are both virgins when we start having sex?" said Seamus.

"Again that's a good question." said Dumbledore. "If neither of you had sex before, the chances of passing an infection to each other are really low. You need to remember that anytime there is intimate skin-to-skin contact, including kissing, there is the possibility of transmitting an STD. This includes oral sex."

Ernie McMillan raised his hand. "I've heard that masturbation can cause health problems, is that true?"

"No." said Snape. "Masturbating is perfectly normal."

"Is it true that if you pull out when having sex you won't get the girl pregnant." said Cormac McLaggen.

"Not at all." said Dumbledore. "Anytime you are having unprotected sex, there is not only a chance of pregnancy, but also of STDs."

To Snape's horror, it was now his turn to answer a question and the next person to raise their hand was Neville Longbottom.

"Um." Neville said. "Are we allowed to ask personal questions?"

"No. Next." Snape snapped.

"Severus." said Dumbledore, disappointedly. "What is your question, Neville?"

"How do you get your family to believe you when you tell them your sexual orientation?" said Neville, nervously.

"You want to know how to come out to them?" asked Dumbledore, kindly.

"No!" Neville exclaimed. "My grandmother doesn't believe me when I try to tell her I'm _not_ gay."

"I'm not really sure how to answer that." said Dumbledore, trying to conceal a smile. "I'll see what I can do."

"I hope that whatever you do works, because she's driving me insane." said Neville.

"Any more questions?" said Snape.

"I've got one." said Draco Malfoy. "Are the girls getting this same talk?"

"Yes, from Professors McGonagall and Sprout." said Snape.

"I have a question." said Colin Creevey. "Do you have any diagrams or photos you can hand out?"

"Well." said Dumbledore, embarrased. " I did have photos but they seemed to have gotten misplaced and I somehow ended up with the pictures the girls were supposed to get."

"Oh!" said Colin excitedly. "Can we see those!"

"Oh, look at the time." said Snape, glancing at his bare wrist. "The lesson is over. Time for you all to go."

As the boys filed out into the hallway muttering to themselves, Dumbledore turned to Snape.

"That wasn't so bad now, was it?" he said.

"Bad, it was a nightmare." retorted Snape.

Dumbledore silently shook his head as he watched Snape leave. The man was so grumpy, perhaps he'd offer him a lemon drop tomorrow. Dumbledore started to walk alone back towards his office. As he walked, he saw the girls coming in from their talk. They were… giggling. The giggling only increased as they walked past a group of boys. Minerva McGonagall walked swiftly past them towards the old Headmaster.

"Please tell me you didn't hand out the diagrams." she said, sounding exhausted.

"No, I noticed that I misplaced them and didn't bother." he said.

"I found them." she said, handing him an identical folder to his. "It would appear that our diagrams got switched accidentally at breakfast this morning."

Realization dawned on Dumbledore. "Oh, you got the boys and I got the girls."

"Yes." McGonagall said. "Only I didn't notice, I just handed the folder to Miss Granger and asked her to hand out what was inside."

"Oh my." said Dumbledore. "So the girls all got…"

"Yeah." she said, rubbing her eyes. "I couldn't figure out for the life of me why they were giggling so much."

"We really must be more careful about these things." said Dumbledore.

"Yes, we must." said McGonagall. "See you at dinner."

Dumbledore had just turned around to walk away when he remembered something.

"Oh, Minerva, a small favor please." he said to her retreating back.

She turned. "Yes."

"Please do me a favor and owl Augusta Longbottom." Dumbledore smiled. "Tell her you caught Neville and a young lady kissing in the hallway past curfew."

"And why would I do that to the poor boy?" McGonagall gave him a confused look. "The women has quiet a temper. No doubt she'll yell at him."

"Trust me, he won't mind." said Dumbledore, and he walked away with a huge grin on his face.

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